I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
