i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hippo gnu deer
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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