I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
