I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
