All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
