I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
