And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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