dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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