You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
