if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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