my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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