It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
