I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
