i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
