I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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