man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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