you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
