did you get engaged???
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
