currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
