just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
