you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
