Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
