Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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