On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
