So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
