you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
