She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
