sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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