party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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