i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
