The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
