can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
