i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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