Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
