I didn't shave. On purpose
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
