I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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