proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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