Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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