Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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