You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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