I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Shame is for Republicans.
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