I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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