My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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