I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
