they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
