I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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