God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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