Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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