shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm sobbing to NWA
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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