My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
