I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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